New Year Yearnings

In the hustle of the end of the year I reflect on how I thought 2022 would go and how it actually went

I felt the vibration of the world wanting so much more from society - wanting more attention; needing to do more work for less pay because we need to prove to everyone that we are here and of worth, but we don’t have the money to equal that, but I promise once you are seen, it will pay off. I felt it emotionally within me from asking questions “is this still my passion”, “why aren’t we asking harder questions”, “Why aren’t we pouring our hearts out every moment we have”, “what if I did actually chase my wildest dreams?”. It also had me asking a lot about what the dream I had when I was young was that I would wait until everyone was asleep in my house to dive into myself. 

Photo by: Natalie Deryn Johnson

When I finally admitted to myself this past year that I want to be an actress and I want to create full time, the glass around me started breaking and shifting. Admitting my truth is still a huge struggle for me - I am usually that person that nods along in conversation because I’m too scared of confrontation or I think you are so fucking cool that I don’t want you to think I’m not cool and then I’m not invited to sit at the cool kid table in middle school anymore. 

I’ve also experienced an intense longing for childhood again. Vivid dreams about my childhood house, a deep missing of my childhood best friend, and longing to have extensive days outside by the creek, swimming in the pool, making fairy potion by the live oak tree, and lounging on the third branch in the cypress tree. I weep when I come home and visit my now parents home and I hold my favorite childhood stuffed animal, Raccoony. 

Though those days don’t exist anymore, I feel many of us are struggling to wrap our heads around being a full time artist/creator and what that exactly means. 

So though my spiritual teachings have me deeply desiring to just be content, there is a part of me that is yearning for more. For this New Year I am leaning in and voicing all my wants. Maybe this list will echo something inside of you or maybe I just need to put it out there for my community to hold me accountable. I’m pouring myself into community this year because I think big change is needed and I think WE are on the precipice of something cracking open. I deeply feel this is the time to dig in and tell stories that are full of truth, magic, and the heart. 

my new year yearnings

• I want to be a better communicator with my partner

• I want to not write a fucking 20 page grant for $2500 to receive a rejection letter that reads “We are so overwhelmed by the amount of applications we received… our biggest year yet! Blah blah blah… unfortunately blah blah but we want to encourage you to apply next year! Blah blah fucking bullshit blah…” 

• I want to feel wind on my face in the ocean.

• I want to plant something from a seed and see it grow into an adult plant 

• I want to want to read

• I want to make love regularly 

• I want to be confident in my voice

• I want to not need so much god damn validation from people

• I want to be able to fund my projects 

• I want to not be so frustrated with the politics of dance and choreography

• I want to not feel like a complete novice in film

• I want to see more art - not because I think the connection or show will get me something in my career but because I deeply want to see the show

• I want my mom to stop drinking 

• I want to pour my heart out in a scene 

• I want to like how I dance

• I want to start sharing my story in my pieces

• I want my collaborators to know how brilliant I think they are

• I want to be apart of a work that brings selfless humans together who are there to be in connection with each other and the story 

• I want my community to feel supported and not feel in competition with one another

• I want heartless companies to fail 

• I want to stop seeing the earth crumble and then sit at the family dinner table debating climate change

• I want to look at a wild place and not think “I wonder how much longer this place will be here?”

• I want to see wild animals 

• I want dirt under my nails 

• I want to like my body even though I have gained some weight 

• I want to feel clarity 

• I want to not feel alone when I’m in creation

• I want to not be nervous each time I stand at the front of a room

• I want to be an actor

• I want my partner to feel supported and loved so deeply

• I want to have house gatherings

• I want my dad to want to visit me

• I want to be proud of my work 

• I want to be with friends 

• I want to be around people who make me feel light and who feel my light, even in darkness

• I want to be surrounded by fireflies

• I want to listen to more music in the background 

• I want rehearsal rates to go down 

• I want time to create 

• I want to not question if my friends actually like me

• I want to go on a road trip 

• I want to be in the sand while there is a mountain in the distance 

• I want to be tumbled by waves 

• I want to lead workshops that merge theater and the environment

• I want to learn in a space that is bouncing with energy

• I want to go to a concert and just dance

• I want to be in deep difficult conversations 

• I want to listen and not feel the need to add my opinion 

• I want to go to everyone’s show and tell them how fucking epic it is that they had the courage to put on a show

• I want to not crave escapist drugs 

• I want to not feel dependent on grants in order to make work 

• I want a job that makes me feel good but doesn’t exhaust me 

• I want to daydream more

• I want to go on vacation with my love 

• I want to not be jealous of my nephews for having my fathers attention

• I want to not have to feel like I need to sound smart in order to impress you

• I want to feel so moved by art that I cry and cheer and then deeply exhale 

I want this year to be full of laughter, deep art making, diving into acting, being within community, feeling community supported, and leaning into bliss. 

Photo by: Effy Grey

a love letter to my community 

I see you. I see that many of us are leaving stability, starting over past the age of 30, and taking a risk on ourselves but also deeply questioning if we can actually “make” it. I see us struggling to find resources to create stories we believe in. I see us stepping more into our passions. I see us going to each other's shows and talking about each other's work in a way that lifts one another. I see us finding it difficult to pay for a $20 class not because we don’t see how a $20 class is probably less than going out to dinner, but because we are the creatures that want to take multiple classes each week but we do the math on how much that would cost and then ask “well why would I want to fall in love with this class just so I can’t take it again?” OR I can't go to class cause I don’t want my peers to see me struggle in my dance technique. I see us challenging the politics and people in charge. I see us advocating for self care and therapy. I see us empowering each other to keep going and keep dreaming.