Anxiety of an Artist

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To-Do List: 

1. Applications: residencies, grants, awards, fellowships. Totaling 12 applications

2. Check-in on university payment

3. Send workshop confirmation emails

4. Rework film script

5. Edit ES film 

6. Go to gym 

7. Curator check-in email

8. New private donor relationship email

9. Read news 

10. Submit for auditions 

11. Send in payment information for teaching 

12. Clean apartment/Laundry/Cook

13. Study erosion

14.  New item - learn audio editing software

15. New item - reply to unanswered emails

16. New item - respond to friend’s text

17. New item - watch an inspirational film

18. New item - get script editing software

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The daily routine of the to-do list

Step 1: Look at the to-do list

Item 1. Work on Applications
Application season is officially here with 12 applications due for my own creations. Applying for both live performance and film and reworking past performances. The first application asks for potential venue partners

Jump to Item 7:
check-in with the Manhattan organization that voiced interest in your work. Wait. can’t check in yet. You haven’t edited the show video. Jump to item 5.

Item 5:
Edit the show video. Need to teach yourself how to edit audio so we can hear Stephanie and Tori’s voices during their kick-ass interview. Add item 14. 

Item 14: 
Learn audio editing software. Fuck. it is a $35-a-month membership. Jump to task item 2.

Item 2:
Check-in with schools you taught at to see when your payments will be fulfilled. Oh shit. Realized I never replied to an email about receipts from one of the universities. Add task number 14. Fuck adding the task. Just write the email

Item 15:
Knocking it out. Wrote the email. Now is it appropriate to check in with schools? Pause. Jump back to task number 5. 

Item 5:
Editing video. Camera is a little shaky but maybe that’s artsy? Their jump looks best in this shot so fuck it… we are going with the shakey camera. Got a text from friend about coming over on Thursday. Jump to task 1.

Thursday. Thursday. Thursday. Why do I feel like I’m forgetting something? Go through my calendar, my text, my emails, my DM’s. Ah, there it is. Grab coffee with a past student. Should I cancel? Feeling overwhelmed. JUST SHOW UP. Jump to added item 16 - text friend back. 

My ring alerts me to stretch my legs. Jump to item 6. Go to gym. 

Item 6:
At gym. What am I going to watch… add item 16.

Item 17:
Watch horror movie on latest list to also study the shots and tension. Run. Run. Run. You have lost your muscle and haven’t taken a dance class in almost two years. Ah… let’s not go there with these thoughts, Kelly. Your technique has turned into shit. And you say you still want to perform, HA! Kelly, save it for your therapist. What day is therapy again? Oh my god… what day is it. No, no, no it’s tomorrow. You’re doing what you love. But are you, are you, are you really? Just watch the movie and run. Pay attention. I am breathing in and I am breathing out. How long have I been running? 30 MINUTES! Jump to item 1. 

Item 1:
Organize application dates and stare at computer weighing which one I think I can actually get. Hm… do I actually stand a chance right now? Let’s look at past recipients. HA yea… I’m definitely not going to stand a chance this year.
Fuck it.
I’m applying.
When are these applications due. April. April April april april APRIL February - cross that one off - april. They need work samples. Jump to item 4. 

Item 4:
Edit script. Forgot to make adjustments from last month. Jump to item 18. 

Add Item 18:
Editing script software. $200!!!! Jump back to item 2. Emailing schools about when money will be processed. I need a change.

Item 15:
Check the news. Not all is doom and gloom, right? Find the hope find the hope. Climate optimism. The war is getting worse and worse. What are you doing with your privilege, making fucking lists? Jump to item 5
Item 5:
Nope can’t do this right now. Jump to item 2. 
Item 2:
Apply. Stare at the project proposal line. “In 100 words write a project proposal along with how your work pushes boundaries, who your audience is, supports the community, and reimagines art making.” If I hear the statement “pushes boundaries” one more time I might scream. What are boundaries in art? Jump to 13. Item 13: Learning about erosion. Learning about tillage. Self-talk reenters. I thought you wanted to be an actress. You’re so far behind in that world. Jump to item 17Item 17:Look at auditions.Just submit real fast. How is it already 11pm?! I need to go to bed. There is no way I can fall asleep right now, mymindandnervesareracing. Just close youreyes.Closethem.Think of f
a
l
l
ing.

Ah there’s the calm.

There it is. 

What time is it?!

Did I sleep through my alarm.

It’s 11:45pm?!